Seriously; I know I’m terrible for making excuses but this has not been a good month for me. Right from the start I’d decided to force out regular releases no matter what and give my working process the nitro-boost it oh so desperately needs. For a plethora of reasons, that simply never happened. I feel like I owe answers as to why this is being held up so much, but I really don’t want to degenerate into self-indulgent ‘why me?’ whining either; plenty of people I know do comics as an aside from their day job and still manage to keep up a decent production rate, so that excuse really won’t fly.
Still, I like to be honest about my thoughts and feelings so getting to the point I have to admit I’ve been in something of a dark place lately. There have been plenty of commitments and set backs along the way, but it’s my motivation that’s really taken a beating these past few weeks.
Indulgent as it may sound I draw as an outlet first and foremost, there isn’t a huge amount I can claim to love about my life but creating comics, breathing life into a story that I can claim is truly mine gives me a glow inside that almost nothing else can. Whether what I create is any good is up for debate and perhaps on some level this will all sound pretty damn selfish, but considering how submissively I live the rest of my life, how often I get shoehorned into things I don’t want to do, am told I can’t do things or am told I’ve failed or missed the mark it seems a small thing to ask.
It’s maddening that I keep missing my own deadlines, but that may well be the root of the problem; they are my deadlines and mine alone. When a work related e-mail lands in my inbox, when someone asks me a favour, when an argument kicks off the pad closes, the pens go away, the file is shut and another day’s delay is slotted onto my release schedule.
It hurts not just because I want to finish what I start and see the story through to the end, but also because this is the only way I feel I can express myself without compromise. Something that is entirely me and not what someone else wants me to be, wants me to do, or wants to hear.
Sure, I want people to like what I make – I doubt many people can claim otherwise – I welcome constructive criticism and hopefully by meeting my own standards I can meet some of my readers’. Regardless the top of the agenda remains the same; I just need to get more done in less time. Maybe I need to say ‘no’ to more things, perhaps I need to reign in my OCD tendencies some, one way or another I know it can be done. A page a week, at least.
I need to make it happen and I need to make it happen soon.